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Pretty Horsies
Christian Bale credits horses for his success and says "I've learned from them". Oh really? What horse did he know that bitch-slapped his mama horse? I can just see Bale munching on hay and rearing up on his hind legs while he stomples the poor stable boy. Hey Christian...next time I suggest learning from something sweeter like a prairie dog or butterfly. |
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Person I Want to Punch Today
I don't know why I didn't think of this before. I'm a very angry, bitter person and everyday, I easily come across 3 or 4 people I just want to punch straight in the face and knock their lights out. So, I'm going to start posting a Punchee of the Day....Today's punch-worthy person is......... Olympic swimmer Amanda Beard. Why? 1) she has posed topless in Playboy and other men's magazines. Is that really the way an Olympian should conduct herself? 2) She isn't even hot enough, by a long shot, to pose for those magazines! She has a major case of Butterface. 3) She totally dissed Michael Phelps when rumors surfaced that the 2 were dating saying things like "ewwww" and "no way, I have good taste", etc. Granted, he's no George Clooney, but she'd be lucky if he wanted to date her fugly face.For this, Amanda deserves a good punch in the kisser. Not that I advocate violence against women...unless it's coming from another woman! |
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Perfect Harmony
Do you feel that? That gentle cool breeze with the scent of sunshine. That's the feeling that all is right with the world once again. In fact, I think World Peace may just be around the corner. Why? As if you have to ask -- because Rachel McAdams and Ryan Gosling are once again dating. Not to put any pressure on them or anything, but these two talented cuties are meant for each other. There has never ever been a more perfect pairing of any two humans on this planet or any other before. I hope they realize that this time and don't throw away their world-harmonizing coupledom. Otherwise, I'll kick both of their perfect, charming asses! GOT IT?! |
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Babies Babies Everywhere!
Matt Damon is a daddy for the 2nd time (3rd if you count his step-kid, but you know those never count). Congrats! I didn't even realize his wife was THAT pregnant. She does a good job of staying below the radar. So of course, since Matt and Ben can't ever do annnnything on their own, Jennifer Garner had to finally officially confirm that she and Ben are expecting as well. Duh. I just thought she had a giant beer gut! But good for them. Nothing like bringing a new life into the world as a last-ditch effort to save your crumbling marriage! And no word yet on if Gwen Stefani has popped. She's due any day with her 2nd. Actually, she looks like she was due back in June...what the heck is taking so long Gwen!? Gwen's hubby is Bush frontman, Gavin Rossdale. I guess you can call the soon-to-be-born tot a Bush Baby. hee hee. |
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Living La Vida Full of Babies
Congratulations to Ricky "She Bangs" Martin - he is now the proud father of twins. Even more astonishing, he didn't even have to get his pee pee wet to do so! Cuz we know Ricky thinks girls are icky. What do you think he should name the twins? Stuckinthe and Closet? Gay and Gayer? La Vida and Gay? Okay, I'm running out of ideas....from this point forward I think all options will include various combinations of the word "gay". Anywho...isn't it great when men can give birth and gay, closeted, unmarried singers can knock up older women desperate for babies? Maybe there is hope for me after all in about 15 years? I just need to find me a closeted gay actor...silly me...all this time I was looking for single straight dudes! DUH! |
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-aside from the MTS moderator-
Somebody kind of recently posted in the comments with a userpic that was an animated loop of a drawing of a cat jumping on the table while someone is eating. I wanted to show it to somebody and I don't remember in which of the zillions of comments I saw it in, or even when. If it's you, can you post a little "hello" so I can link my friend to it? Thanks. PS. I got engaged! :D Edit: Thanks guys, you rock! It's this one:
 (I have a 12 week old kitten and she doesn't yet comprehend that when she gets chucked off the table it isn't a suggestion that she try a more clever or persistent way to eat my food. It's this icon, exactly. She's even gray.) |
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Toast is expensive
This has got to be one of the dumbest things I've ever seen. Check out the winning bid, for a piece of toast that the shape has obviousy been scraped into with a knife. But for that money it kind of makes me wish I'd thought of it first...
I'm feeling: |
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photoshopping gone wrong
PhotoshopDisasters is just what it sounds like, and several of the disasters involve a degree of stupidity. This is my favorite fail so far. |
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Oedipus!
Scene: Classroom (reading Oedipus) Stupid Girl: But I don't understand Corrogus (Corrogos?)! What do I do? *woe ensues* Me: The character Corrogus is the reason it was called corregated cardboard. Like the paper product, he had many layers that made his character strong! Stupid Girl: Oh! *includes in oral report.* Ok, really... what are high school english classes coming to? I'm in honors, for goodness sakes. :] |
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First stupid: When I was in 10th grade, I thought my boyfriend giving me a hicky on my neck would be the greatest thing in the world. Second stupid: The next day at school, the following conversation happens with a girl in my science class: Her: "What, did a shark give you that?"
Me: "What? A shark?"
"Yeah, you know like a shark. They suck on you." (She simulates a shark fin with her hand on her head and makes a sucking noise.)
"I'm pretty sure sharks don't suck on you. Maybe you are thinking about a kitten."
"Uhh, hello. Big difference between kittens and sharks, only sharks are water mammals and kittens are land ones." My teacher couldn't stop laughing. |
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Screw what scientists say...
"I still think the Georgia Bigfoot is real."So, on a message board I post on, the recent, faux Bigfoot got a thread. You know the one, the blurry photo of a cheap gorilla costume, the DNA testing that turned out to be 4% human, 96% opossum. And the story where all of us rational people kept wondering why the media was giving it the time of day when people are dying in Georgia (not our Georgia, the other one). Well, this idiot remains unconvinced: "Call me crazy, but I still don't think this is fake. Heres why: 1. Tom Biscardi says the DNA must have been taken wrong. Who's to say he isn't right about that? I won't give up until the Autopsy proves that it is fake.
2. Why would 2 samples of the same thing come from 2 completely different sources?
3. If one of the DNA samples is right, who is to say that Bigfoot isn't so closely related to the human, that it came out as human DNA? Also, would you guys rather hear about more people dying on the news, or Bigfoot?" My reply to this moron. 1. Who's to say he's a liar? Critical thinkers.
2. Because it is a hoax?
3. Anyone who passed a biology class.
4. I'd rather hear about actual news than a couple of redneck pulling a prank on a news media gullible enough to give them attention. I would rather hear about events going on that affect the world, and affect us all than hicks with a cheap gorilla costume vying for fifteen minutes of fame. I would rather a news media that doesn't insult my intelligence with trash like this. The Weekly World News runs more creative and convincing stories than this. |
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Swamp of Sadness
A friend sent me this video the other day when I was feeling down in the dumps. So if any of you are feeling down or sad....or if you feel sad in the future, be sure to come back to this entry/video and remember not to let the swamp of sadness get to you. This beautiful clip is from the movie The Neverending Story. I have no recollection of this scene at all....but when she sent it to me, I laughed my ass off - is that wrong? I'm not sure if this is the swamp of sadness or a bog of gayness.
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Don't Touch a the Mango
 Tsk Tsk Tsk...Chris Kattan and his wife of 8 whole weeks are already separated and may be headed towards divorce. Rumor has it that Kattan has been fooling around with another woman! Ooooh Chris. Tsk tsk tsk. Why must you break my heart so? First of all, why the hell aren't you gay? You really should be if you're not. You could get a lot of hot male ass if you would just go gay. Secondly, if you're really not gay, do you have to be so not gay that you're a typical, cheating asshole guy? You always seemed so sweet and cuddly...I always thought to my self "The way Mr. Peepers jumps around in a diaper and spits apple chunks in people's faces is soooooooo sexy and sweet"...now I have to imagine you humping the legs of multiple women at once instead of just one true love.
Then again, maybe your wife deserves it. Maybe she touched a the Mango when she shouldn't not have touched a the Mango. Did she look at you when you told her not to look at the Mango? If so, then fuck her. She deserves to be shunned. Or maybe she just did the Roxbury bob one too many times when your annoying commercial came on. Is that what happened? Did you scream at her to "Stop It" when she bobbed her head one too many times!? I promise you Mango...if my head is bobbing around you, you won't be telling me to "stop it!" ;) knowwhatimean?
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Next Great Duo
I'm not sure if this team is ready for Gold during this Olympics, but by 2012, I think the duo below will be America's #1 hope for multiple Gold medals! Watch out China and Russia. These 2 are going to make you slink away in shame. Skip ahead to 4:05 to see this duos amazing routine. And Brian Williams...really? Would we ever see Walter Cronkite or Ted Koppel acting so silly!?
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RIP
Someone from the Dave Matthews Band died yesterday. Unfortunately it wasn't Dave Matthews. Oooh, is that a bad thing to say? Eh, I've already got a one-way ticket to Hell...what do I care? But seriously...I really think the Dave Matthews Band would be a lot better w/o that annoying lead singer dude. The music ain't bad - just the singing. But no, it was the saxophonist - LeRoi Moore - who died due to complications from an ATV accident he had a few weeks ago. He had broken ribs and a punctured lung, and ended up succumbing to his injuries. Hopefully he had some great sax before he left this Earth. ha ha. Ooooh, don't die laughing over that one! |
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Nadia
Well, most of you are probably too young to remember the 1984 movie "Nadia" about the first Olympic gymnast to ever score a "perfect 10". But I remember seeing the movie just like it was last week (Prolly cuz I netflixed it and watched it last week!). I was 9 years old when this movie aired in the States -- during the 1984 Los Angeles Summer Olympics which I was totally stoked for -- especially since I was in gymnastics back then. Yeah, i thought I actually had a chance to be the next Nadia. Little did I know that God had other plans - He wanted me to be the next Rosie O'Donnell (fat, ugly, bitchy, and not funny minus the rich part. Thanks God!).
Anyways, here's a clip of the cheeeezey movie. You MUST check it out. My favorite part is how Bela Karolyi, Nadia, and all the other Romanians seem to speak perfect English. You have to see the part that starts at 3:20 when Nadia and her brand new frenemy Teadora first bond (this is basically their very first meeting ever). Classic! Man I love the 80s!
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I'm really struggling trying to find things to blog about. Other than the Olympics, there doesn't seem to be anything interesting/funny going on in the world. But speaking of the Olympics, my little muffin-head Shawn Johnson did it! Hooray! She won the gold medal for the Beam. I think that's the best medal to win anyways cuz it is definitely the hardest apparatus! And no one seems to be as consistently confident and competent on the beam as Shawn. So congrats to Shawn! Also in gymnastics - Nastia Liukin got the silver medal for beam and Jonathan Horton earned silver on the high bar. The US definitely had a couple of gymnastics stars this year. Just imagine if the Hamm Brothers hadn't been injured!
Better watch this clip fast before YouTube yanks it...
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Nothing like some WTFery of an evening.
So a woman, perhaps in her forties, runs up to me in the street as I'm walking home this evening... Woman: "What was the first Arcade game?"
Me: *roused from my thoughts* "Wuh?"
Woman: "What was the first arcade game?!"
Me: "Uhm... Pong probably. Not sure though."
Woman: "No! Blip blip blip!" *crab walks sideways, waving her arms*
Me: "You're thinking of Space Invaders..."
Woman: "Yeah! Yeah! So I'm going to stand in front of you and you have to get past me like Space Invaders!" *stands in front of me blocking my path*
Me: "That's not like Space Invaders... Is this a very creative mugging?"
Woman: "No! Try to get past me!"
Me: *walk towards her, as I get within a few inches she steps backwards*
Me: "I see a flaw in your plan. You are unwilling to let me actually touch you, so if I keep walking home, you'll either have to walk backwards till you fall over or get out of my way."
Woman: "No no! Lets try again!" *stands in front of me*
Me: *I Walk towards her again, again she steps back. I keep walking and she keeps walking backwards.*
Woman: "Stop!"
Me: "Uhm... no, I think I'll keep walking home..."
Woman: *screams* "WELL FUCK YOU THEN, YOU BASTARD! FUCKING DICK!" *and runs away* Maybe not stupid, but damn wierd and I thought I'd share. It was at least a bit rude... I don't know what she was playing at, or if she was on something. She seemed pretty lucid and didn't smell of booze... |
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